so it goes
blessed are the forgetful…
…for they get the better even of their blunders.
talk about an odd month. i left alaska and headed down to san francisco. it was my first time in the frisco city and i’m sad i didn’t get more time there. all the more reason to go back. after the airport lost my ticket, then my luggage, i finally got to san fran with one day to do all the things i wanted to do. i managed to go to chinatown, which was pretty neat and then alcatraz the next day, which i’ve always wanted to do. it was a perfect sunny day and it was a great way to start my trip. from there, i boarded a cruise ship. my first time on a cruise. it was pretty overwhelming. it was so big. like a floating 5 star hotel in the middle of the ocean. our first stop was cabo san lucus, where it was about 95 degrees. we spent the afternoon taking a float boat to different reefs and snorkeling. it was my first time snorkeling, but i got the hang of it pretty fast, although i managed to swallow about 2 gallons of salt water. yuck. i also got pretty sunburnt, but it was worth it. without going into too much detail, our next ports were costa rica, panama city, colombia and aruba. costa rica was almost dreamlike as we took to the mountains on horseback and zip-lined through the cloud forrest over waterfalls and the cliffs. i even saw a baby sloth.
needless to say, the trip was pretty amazing. the ship was beautiful and although i was the youngest person on it, good times were still had.
then it was a brief visit in florida. the first time i had ever been actually, and i ended up liking it more than i thought i would. i was in jacksonville for the bulk of my trip, visiting my dear pregnant friend alicia. then i headed north to see my sister in minneapolis. and that brings me to here. right now. in alaska. back home. safe and sound. the past month has really gone by in a flash. and so many miles traveled.
it snowed today. thick, wet snow that creates puddles of ice and sticks to your windshield. it was a good day. productive and low key. i am happy. i’m slowly starting to put together my list of baking ideas for thanksgiving and i made a list of things i would like to accomplish this winter. books, harry potter movie marathon, trip to fairbanks, alyeska snowboarding. how exciting.
and when i get too caught up in…everything, and focus too much on what has happened and what isn’t happening, i just remind myself to realize it. and breathe. and take one step at a time. because thats really all you can do, right? and i have to keep reminding myself that i am not stupid. (even though lately i’ve been feeling like the biggest idiot in the world).
sigh.
moving on.
“Long have you timidly waded
Holding a plank by the shore,
Now I will you to be a bold swimmer,
To jump off in the midst of the sea,
Rise again, nod to me, shout,
And laughingly dash with your hair.”
— walt whitman
repeat what is loved
i can hear the rain outside my window.
theres something about fall that always puts me in this mood. maybe its the smell and the colors and the feeling that everything is gearing up for a long slumber, but i get this feeling of just wanting to slow down. take deep breaths and spend time just…sitting. i talk less, i read more. all i want to do is put on a john coltrane record, cuddle up with quilt and sip tea. needless to say, i love this time of year. its just such a change that transpires into me wanting to change.
i still can’t get over how quickly a year has passed.
am i different? did i grow up and learn anything?
i sure do hope so. but i must admit that i am still a mess. and still unsure about everything.
but i suppose thats allowed.
in one week i will be turning 25 years old. twenty five. it seems unreal. mostly because i feel like im 17 and high school seemed just yesterday. i dont feel any wiser. more scars and stories, but probably not any smarter. such is life.
i have trips coming up. which is perfect timing because im finding myself in a rut. so im spending the next few months jet setting around the world, just in time to come back and hibernate for winter.
maybe this trip will give me the clarity im so desperately seeking. hum.
im caught somewhere in between sad and happy. im just…content.
a slight figure of speech
i finally finished my hat:
some things in life mean nothing. they’re just distractions, ways to keep busy. you can make big deals out of them if you want: assign meaning or attach emotion. but often it’s not what you think at all. quite often, there is no point, perhaps like the game, heads-up 7-up. some times its hard to distinguish between the real things and the ones with expiration dates. but others, are so obvious that its almost a relief. they are fun ways to pass the time. but at night it leaves you dreaming and yearning for the things that stick.
new coined term: expiration dating.
im back in alaska after a trip that felt more like 2 months, not 2 weeks. i’ve been back for almost a week and i’ve fallen back into the swing of my life here in anchorage. i had one day of rest before quickly getting back to work for a four day in a row stretch on the train. it was good to work, mainly to get some money. and keep me busy. the mind wanders when its given too much free time. it was a good trip. an odd trip. i don’t know what to make of some of the things that happened, but it was all positive and exciting. i’m beginning to construct a plan in my mind of what my future will look like, primarily my immediate future. which is scary and exciting all wrapped up in a box with craigslist searches and possible employment.
i got approved for one of my cruises that i applied for through princess, the company i work for. like most trips, i don’t even feel that its real or going to happen. but on october 6th, right before my birthday, i will be boarding a huge ship in san francisco and heading through the panama canal to florida for two weeks. i will be accompanied by my fabulous friends from the train: haley, jan and tania. i’m just excited to sit by a pool and drink strawberry daiquiris somewhere in central america. it will be a nice treat after the train season ends. but i’m nervous because now is the point in the summer that i really need to save some money and prepare for things. i need money for the cruise, my plans after the train and, of course, bills. so basically, all work and no play. which is actually okay with me.
passenger seat
i have been impressed with the urgency of doing. knowing is not enough; we must apply. being willing is not enough; we must do. -leonardo da vinci
i have been impressed with the urgency of doing. knowing is not enough; we must apply. being willing is not enough; we must do. -leonardo da vinci
sometimes i think having all the options in the world is harder than having everything planned out.
well, maybe not harder, but there are pros and cons. im getting overwhelmed by my ideas and possibilities. and in the end, i just get sad because i really can’t decide. im the most indecisive person in the world and those who know me well would whole heartedly agree. im kind of a mess in that aspect. i see the good and bad in all situations and possible play outs. and it leaves me staying in one place, unable to move forward.
dont get me wrong, i am happy. i love the way my life is turning out and the weird, random way i took to get here. but lately i’ve been wishing that something would happen. something…big…and meaningful….would rise up out of empty sea of my life and point in a direction. then i would adjust and feel better in my life choices.
but i don’t know. and its that lack of confidence that scares me in all the choices i’m presented with in the next weeks, months, years. id like to think that if there is something i’m meant to do, i’ll do it. but i don’t think life works like that. we take leaps of ideas and choices and if it works, it works. if not, move on and try something else.
i’ve always prided myself on my fly by the seat of my pants attitude and just my love for new things, places and people. but in the past year, i’ve never been in a place long enough to feel comfortable. and just…safe. i don’t want to say im growing out of it. just i’m viewing things differently now. well, starting to at least. my desire to stay and nest is growing stronger. but who knows. i just hope that some of my options are still available when that time comes. if they are even options to begin with.
its hard to remember when it takes such a long time.
downtown minneapolis
he sure was
eugenio recuenco
we really should go back
queens of the castle
lovely chest piece
blinding with blinds
its a muggy, overcast day here in moorhead, minnesota. this weekend, i must say, belongs in the top five greatest weekend list. saturday morning, we headed down to minneapolis for the hold steady concert, which was amazing. it was my third time seeing them…they put on such a great show. and it was outside. and i’ve been to so few outside concerts. even though it was a million degrees in the sun, it was still worth it. sunday was the twins game, which i surprisingly got really into, despite not knowing much about baseball. but boy, did i learn. ha. it was so much fun. and just great to be with friends who i’ve missed so much it almost hurts. but my time here is dwindling. im using today as a recovery day. uploading photos, listening to music and making dinner for my gracious friends who have put me up for the past weeks. oh, and baking a cake. i miss baking. i work too much when im in alaska to even think about making treats. so it goes.
i absolutely love coming back here. i love the midwest. i love minneapolis. but its not in a sad, “oh i wish i was still here” kind of way. its more of like, im glad i was here, and im so excited about where i’ll go next. speaking of which, i got approved for one of my cruises, which i’ll be accepting tomorrow. panama cruise, 15 days, october 6th. i’m so excited, i can barely think straight. three friends from the train will be joining me and i couldn’t think of a better way to celebrate my 25th birthday. after the cruise, we plan on visiting our friend alicia in florida for a while- then, who knows. i’m even more excited by the possibility of what could be next…
i’m getting a new tattoo tomorrow. and i can’t remember the last time i was this anxious for new work. i love the concept and can’t wait to get something to reflect this fabulous stage of my life. in other news, i am covered in mosquito bites.
well, time for a run.
and start dinner.
she’s a morning bender
well, apparently my blogging really takes off when im bored and living at home with my parents.
i barely have time to collect my thoughts these days, let alone put them into words and on to this site. so. oh well.
i’m currently sitting at atomic coffee, my old place of college employment, drinking a mug of excellent coffee and listening to the shins. i got into minnesota last night and was greeted by cassandra, my old college roommate, and her darling baby harry. i still cant get over that she’s married and has a baby. my, how things channnngee….
then i headed over to my dear dear dear friend dani’s house, where i was greeted by beer pong and promises of a twins game and hold steady concert on friday. i cant…wait.
its nice to be on “vacation”. i’ve been working so much lately. i did an 8 day stretch right before i flew down here. 132 hours in 8 days. 2 complete days of overtime. oh boy. it was long. i feel pretty irresponsible coming here, but thats never stopped me before. life is short, after all.
i love coming back to moorhead. but this time i am met with different feelings. sure, i’m super super happy to see my great friends. but they are either starting families or getting fantastic jobs that make me feel like i’m not doing enough with my life. and i know its super silly to think this way. i’m incredibly happy with my life and love the choices i’ve made. but i can’t help but take a second look at my plans for the future, which are pretty non-existant. i’m constantly asking myself “what am i doing with my life?” but it only seems to happen when i’m…here. in alaska, i’m surrounded by people who fly by the seat of their pants, who avoid commitment, who travel the world on a whim, and long term plans consist of whats for dinner that night. and its okay. its perfectly acceptable. and it’s rubbed off on me. and i’m happy. really happy.
so, its okay. i just need to keep telling myself that.
it’s hot here. and sunny. skirts and tank tops are key. and i’m loving it.
i got to see my sister for a short while yesterday and it was so great to see her. i forgot how much i missed her and how fun she is. she’s leaving for boston soon, so i wont get to see her for another week or so. oh well. at least i have dani here.
sister love
besties 4 evah
mister harry
ten thousand miles long
still from the movie little ashes. fabulous font.
um, love.
i have reservations.
gah.
it always seems to work for me.
love is a cookie.
ampersand-tastic.
silly times with bobe
endless sunsets
tonight i passed up drinking with coworkers at my favorite bar for a run in the rain followed by a warm shower and movie watching in bed. and i’m feeling pretty good about the decision.
train season officially started today. it snuck up on me and honestly, caught me off guard despite that fact that i’ve been seeing my favorite train people the past few weeks. whew. but i’m glad for the start of the season and for something familiar. and to be surrounded by people i absolutely love. so here’s to a good start of the season.
this year i’m leaving my drink making behind and trading up for a new position: rail guide. honestly, i’m a bit nervous, but mostly excited. it’s a new challenge and i’m actually starting to believe that you can accomplish great things when you set your mind to it. and that, my friends, is a fantastic feeling.
i finally moved into anchorage and it feels like a huge gust of wind has raced across me, leaving my brain and emotions all clean and uncluttered. i just moved in this weekend and my room is bare, but has an appealing simplicity that i’m enjoying. our apartment is close to the ocean. or as close to the ocean as anchorage gets. the coastal trail is about a 10 minute run away and yesterday i took advantage of the sun and warm weather and ran for a good two hours. needless to say, my knees are killing me today.
the darkness is slowly fading away and it’s still light out at 11pm at least.
anyway, im exhausted and i’m going to bed. at 930pm. because thats how i roll.
here are a few pictures i took from my run yesterday :
worm holes and down comforters
“learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.” – ayn rand
i’ve been having serious failure in my attempt to shake up my life a little bit. everything feels so forced. so i’ve decided to change my approach. and by that i mean, im going to just sit. and do nothing. wait for change to come to me instead of manifesting it. sit quietly and look this way. like im not expecting anything.
i had a good weekend. i went into anchorage with tony and ended up staying the night in town after a night of train reunion shenanigans. it was really good to see almost everyone back in alaska. it’s been so long. i drank more than i’ve drank in a while and left me feeling very gross. i better get the train reunion drinking out of my system now because it’s not going to happen (much) this summer. i feel guilty. and makes me feel like all the hard work i’ve put in to myself can be so easily erased if i’m not paying attention. i mean, what a waste that would be. so, yah. no more of that.
i’m laying awake in my bed. it’s 1234 am and i can’t sleep. the wind is blowing extremely hard outside and just the sound is making me cold for some reason. i love the sound of my typing when everything else is silent. tap tap tap.
this might be the cutest video in the world:
going along with the theme, i’ve been having very…strange dreams lately. just extremely real. i was talking to a friend tonight about lucid dreaming. i really need to learn how to do that. if my waking life has to be so boring, i might as well live it up in my dreams.
i’m just waiting for it to hit me.
i hope so.
