oh, garamond. how you move me.
i really need to stop internet window shopping.
my wishlist is getting huuuuuugeee.
today went by fast.
i spent all morning and most of the afternoon on the phone. with unemployment mostly. what a headache! i’m tempted to just give up and grin and bare it. because i feel like i’m getting the run around and talking to four different states is just giving me a headache! one of the representitives from the alaska unemployment was so sweet. after all, i was on the phone with her for almost 45 minutes (after a 36 minute wait!). she had a horrible cold and sounded awful, but she was really nice, although she seemed just as confused as i was. “filing for unemployment used to be so easy and now it’s just a nightmare!” is what she told me. good to know im not the only one who feels lost and confused being unemployed.
anyway. everything is happening kind of fast here. which is an interesting turn. yesterday i went out for breakfast and coffee with dani. warm and wet morning. i still cant get over that christmas is so soon. after that, i promised kris i’d join him at the museum to see the design china exhibit that i didn’t get to see last time i went. so he picked me up and we headed downtown. the exhibit was super cool and im so glad i went! they had all these crazy models of chinese buildings and the latest in architecture and social living. it was pretty interesting. not to mention that apparently last time i was at the museum, i only saw like half of it. its a lot bigger than i thought! i missed the whole modern side. so it was new to both of us. we looked at super modern (and confusing) pieces. every now and then we’d stop, cock our heads side to side and give each other detailed descriptions of what we thought “it meant”. because are so deep, of course. ah, ART!
after that, we wandered around downtown and got caught in the rain. apparently i’m not a real portlandian because i didnt even bring a jacket and my scarf and sweater did not cut it. i got pretty soaked. we piled back in the car and went to dinner at this amazing Vietnamese restaurant. kris decided to be bold and order something new and i went with the safe vegetarian dish. after dinner we headed to the bookstore to browse and by then i was so tired and ready for home. but i did manage to look at some books on teaching. i’m slightly scared by the amount of books about how to deal with difficult parents. ugh. i dont even want to think about that part of the job! no thank you.
finally made it home and fell asleep to watching mansfield park. oh, jane austen. i must say, it was one of the most fun days ive had in a while.
today i got a chance to talk with my school advisor person guy and i officially start my first class on jan. 7th! im so excited. hopefully i can juggle the start of classes and road tripping and flying and moving and blah blah blah all at the same time. but i have faith in myself. i can’t believe 2009 is almost over! (have i mentioned that yet?)
anyway, its late and dani and i are doing a spin class in the morning. oooo!
nini xoxo
new hat and gloves i made this week!
i also went yarn shopping yesterday and got the most amazing wool yarn. its this olive green color and i quickly crocheted the thickest warmest hat ever! i think its going to be a christmas gift. my own hat collection is reaching over capacity.
baby, its cold outside.
its getting closer to christmas and honestly, it doesn’t feel like it at all. i feel like i’ve been stuck in october for 3 months. time has stood still. and the only thing that is noticeably changing is…me. im still a little bitter that im not going to be able to go home to alaska for the holidays, but im trying to make the best of it. my best friend danielle is in town visting her mom and siblings for christmas and invited me to spend christmas with them. and honestly, if i’m going to be with any family, i’d want to be with them. they are lovely, funny people. and make me feel at home. so its perfect, almost. i’m actually going over there tonight for christmas baking and board games. ill pass on the cookies, but board games—heck yes! maybe ill even cheat on my diet and have a glass of wine.
it’s refreshing to know that when you don’t really have control over what life throws your way, that you can control yourself. it’s a very rewarding feeling– changing your life for the better. just letting go of bad habits, and believe me, i have had quite a few. i can’t believe 2009 is almost over. it’s been a very weird, changing year. but i’m done looking backwards. because the past is a nice place to visit, but no one wants to live there. sometimes you just have to let go in order to grab on to new things. and i’m ready for some new things.
bored on a monday night. 
the boys (and by boys i mean my roommates) returned from washington with a truck full of freshly chopped wood last night. they were quick to start our first fire and we sat around watching a movie and trying not to get smoked out. the fire actually turned out well and i was able to finish two hats by the time it burnt out.
today was pretty uneventful. made a trip to barnes and noble to get a large coffee and catch up on my magazine reading. i was about to get a book on crocheting, but figured it was best not to spend my last 10 dollars on a book i probably didn’t need. my, how i’ve grown up. ha.
in other news, i’m pretty excited to get back to alaska. i mean, i’m sad (and slightly embarrassed) that i’m throwing in the towel already, but oh well. i came, i saw, i struck out. for once, i’m doing the smart thing, i suppose.
i went and had a drink with a guy i worked on the train with named kris, or K-kris as we called him on the train. i sorta forgot he lived in portland and he was shocked i hadn’t called him in the couple of months i’ve been here. it was good to hang out. he brought along his roommate and friend, both from alaska too. we went to a dive bar about 10 minutes from my house, near his place. it was pouring down rain. but im kind of getting used to that. we played a game of pool and kris invited me to bagby, oregon tomorrow. i guess its a nice hike to these hot springs. sounds kind of fun, but we’ll see.
the rain hasn’t let up and it sounds like all my windows are open because its so loud. drip drip drip. i don’t even need my thunderstorm and rain sleep cd anymore.
blake and our first fire of the winter
its raining. and i have the house to myself. ive spent the night listening to good music and flipping through some favorite books that i’ve managed to hold on to. i re-found one of my favorite bukowski poems. hum.
raw with love
little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won’t flinch and
i won’t blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
i won’t blame you,
instead
i will remeber the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your recordds
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and i won’t use it
yet.
its easy to say that i have no direction right now. no idea where im heading.
but im hoping to stumble on to something great.
so. i keep repeating a mantra to myself. “stop complaining. get over it. and move on.”
it seems to be helping. nut up or shut up, as dani would say. speaking of which, she is coming out to portland for christmas with her mom and im so excited to see her! it will make the holidays better than being alone. i just need to look forward. and im excited, really. i have a goal and a plan and it may suck for the next few months, but once i get settled and motivated, it will be awesome. i know it.
my roommates are out of town this weekend. they went up to washington to do some firewood cutting. seriously. but at least we will have a warm home for the winter! its been so cold lately and there is a nasty draft in my room. ugh. i spent all day on hold with various unemployment offices trying to figure all that noise out. i should find out next week how much i’ll get from that. but until then, here i sit.
i watched the new episode of glee on hulu today and it made my day! that show gets me every time. i kid you not, i almost cried. don’t judge me. its been a rough month. but for now im going to go make some soup and pop in a movie i rented and all is well with the world.
oh, and also. i went to the oregon coast a few days ago and it was fabulous.
sunny and cold. 
such a pretty day! i love the ocean.
silly face o' the day.
im all about maybe’s lately.
because who really knows how things pan out?
plans change. goodbyes sometimes don’t last.
and things turn out way different than you ever thought.
so, you never know. maybe.
im tired. ive been working so much lately.
its all i really do. so, not much to say now. goodnite, loves. xoxo
im generally a pretty happy person. but these past few weeks have been long and its been hard to stay in a positive mood for long periods of time. i’m in a funk and i want desperately to shake it. so im taking a moment. to breathe, focus and regroup. i need a plan and goals. i’ve been making a lot of lists lately. to do lists, wish lists, long and short term goal lists. and honestly, it feels good to get it all down on paper. out of my head. because worries and problems have been weighing me down and stressing me out.
i went back to work today after a week long break. (not by choice, of course. just not enough hours this week.)
it felt good to leave the house and feel productive, even if it was just for four hours today. i work again tomorrow and i have an excuse to go to bed early and wake up before noon. times are tough. but they are tough for a lot of people too. and as my dad told me tonight, “it could always be worse.”
he’s a smart man, that randy.
i finally finished a tube scarf ive been working on the past few days. i love it! i used a new yarn and its super soft. and i started a new hat, just because my hands got bored while i watched some documentary on crazy mac users. it seems like everything has a cult following these days.
so yes. i need be happy. one step, one day at a time. because really, thats all i can do.
goodnight, sweets.
new scarf for winter
i made a christmas playlist of some of my favorite music….
but for some reason it won’t post on here. damn you, flash.
so click here to view and listen.
enjoy!
