my road trip came and ended too fast. granted, it was only a few weeks. but still. right now i am sitting on the floor in my ex boyfriends apartment in fargo, north dakota. ive spent the last three weeks living out of my car and a single suitcase (and too many bags of beauty products. oh, sweet products). its wearing me out. i feel completely unorganized and i can’t find anything. and thinking that i’ve left or lost many things. whether it was on purpose or not, i can’t remember. i once again have changed my mind. well, not really changed. more like i revisited a dream and it seems possible when i thought before it didnt. five days in portland sold me on it and im taking a gamble and puddle diving into something new. its exciting and terrifying at the same time. but after a week of being back in fargo, it seems like the sanest thing to do. so come november, i’m backtracking and heading back to portland. to do…something. i havent really figured that part out yet.
it was my last day in portland. dani and i had just finished some amazing thai food in hillsboro about to embark on the last leg of our trip. i was fighting with myself, as usual, about the choices before me. i cracked my fortune cookie, eating it before i looked down at the tiny piece of paper that held my fortune.
“Life is a series of choices. Today yours are good ones.”
so, portland here i come.
it was a long summer, but i am happy to report that fall is here and with it, comes change.
it is already october, which still floors me. where did all the time go?
it is midnight and i am sitting in my dark room at my parents house, listening to music and makes my heart heavy.
i was busy this summer that i forgot to…well, create, which makes me feel uneasy. it feels like for the past 6 months, i have had no outlet and now all this….stuff is scattering all over. things that ive been holding in, somewhere. ive decided to embark on a photography project. for a few different reasons. 1. it will force me to take my camera with me everywhere. and use it. 2. i want to get better at capturing things that i see so clearly and beautifully without a lens. 3. photoshop skills are getting rusty.
so im attempting to spend 365 days of photos. my life, one day and one photo at a time, if you will. now, i know it will be impossible for me to upload everyday. especially coming up, because of my epic road trip. but ill make up for it. so a new project. a new flickr. whew.
so there that is. aside from feeling artistically motivated, im trying to shake off feelings of worry, frustration and confusion. im moving in a week. back to the midwest. away from my safety net. im scared i will fall flat on my face. but its okay. im excited to work on…me. start something new. take what i can get and run with it. because thats what its all about, right?
so. heres to changes. heres to the colors of fall. heres to something new and something worth it.
a challenge i did from rainn wilsons website soulpancake.com
sending what i want out into the universe, because you never know….right?
(click to make bigger…)
wow.
it was just brought to my attention that i haven’t written in a while. frankly, i forgot i had this.
where do i start? i should be sleeping, you know. i have to wake up in 5 short hours.
the summer has gone by in a flash. i packed up my life and relocated to alaska for the summer with dreams of fat paychecks and endless possibilities for my life. those dreams are a little blurry now and the reality of being a recent college graduate embarking on the world of adulthood is slowly coming to light. its funny, you know. in may i felt this overwhelming sense of freedom. for the first time in 24 years, i had no plans. no obligations. nothing i really had to do. no set road that i was being forced to take, because that was what was expected of me. the world was my oyster.
as the summer progressed this feeling shifted more and more into a feeling of frustration and confusion. this is not good for an indecisive person such as myself. every week i have had a new idea of what i was going to do. but it really boils down to the fact that half the things i want to do take time. and more importantly, money. so a few dreams are packed away and sitting nicely on a shelf for the time being.
work on the train has been going well. well, wait. thats a lie. this season has been a whirl of drama and miscommunication. dont get me wrong, i have fun. but i get a little sad when i find myself getting mad about half the things ive been getting mad about. customer service is hard. to be happy all the time is hard. but i try my best, i suppose. on the bright side, there are only 3 weeks left to the madness and then i can breathe a big sigh of relaxation and shed a tear for all my friends i will miss. it really is like summer camp.
as for me, i still dont know what im doing. with anything.
i can see as far as november and thats okay with me, for now.
ive decided to go back to fargo in the fall. why does that sentence make me cringe and feel so good at the same time?
i think it will be a good place for me to collect my thoughts. work a little and figure…this…out.
did i mention its fall here? alaskan falls are probably my favorite. fall in general is my favorite. its not even the weather or the colors, which is mighty fine. but its that weird nostalgic feeling i get when i feel that slight chill in the air. years flash before my eyes. all the memories tied to that one season. football games, my birthdays, starting school, raking leaves, sweaters, hats, first kisses. and oh, the smell. the smell i cant even describe, but believe me. it gets me every time. fall is like an old friend that you only see once a year, for a short time. and you are always so sad to see him go. reading a good book, in a warm sweater, listening to jazz and sipping coffee. that is fall.
well, im not tired, but sleep is what i must do.
im sorry ive been ignoring you lately. im a horrible blogger. but i still love you.
my foot is asleep. i hate that.
i’ve been avoiding you, im sorry. ever since i got back from turkey, ive been in a daze of dates and time and money and school and rain and floods and worry and sadness and loneliness and boredom. but tonite, ahem-this morning, im here. and feeling pretty clear minded.
i just got done watching a movie called in search of a midnight kiss. so good.
it felt like i was watching someone home video or a really good reality show. ha. so go watch it.
ive made a decision tonite about how i should leave. and im sitting here looking around my room, all the things ive collected over the past 5 years and how i have to make all of it fit into two suitcases. im torn on what to keep and what to let go of. its an odd feeling. like when i left for college. its scary. but more exciting. im completely starting over. and now its starting to feel more real. four weeks away. four weeks to slowly shed all the layers that ive made here. to sell, give away, or toss.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
in the oddest of times-
like when im doing laundry
or getting into my car-
the nostalgic smell of you
fills my nostrils and drops
my heart through my stomach.
its amazing.
i never remember the smell
but i know it.
and it always leaves me
sniffing the air, wanting it
to linger longer.
but it never does.
this whole week ive been dreaming of istanbul. picturing streets that are older than my country and old turkish men trying to sell me rugs for a special one time offer price. ive heard people say that traveling to the city formally known as constantinople changes you unlike any other city in the world. this excites me and i hope its true. im in great need of change. i need new perspective, a new outlook. i want to be able to come back to fargo so clear headed and humble. i want to not be able to explain my trips using words because yes, it was that amazing. i want an experience that makes me a better version of who i am right now. i want to see something so painfully beautiful that it knocks the wind out of me.
i know it sounds like im putting a lot of pressure on istanbul, but thats okay. above anything else, i just want a break. a temporary escape from this cold town and everything in it.
Fair
-17°F
Feels Like
-38°F
Updated Feb 27 07:45 a.m.
CT
Fargo Live Webcams
UV Index: 0 Low
Wind: From N at 12 mph
Humidity: 69%
Pressure: 30.43 in.
Dew Point: -23°F
Visibility: 10.
0 miles
one thing ive always done is to measure the passing of time by how long my hair is getting.
its getting pretty long.
i just got done watching north to alaska. you know, the movie with john wayne. any john wayne movie always reminds me of my dad and reminds me of lazy sundays while i was growing up when we’d watch whatever he wanted and id pretend that i was enjoying it because all i wanted to do was spend time with him. this also applied to golf tournaments and bob ross painting show on pbs.
i remember being younger and going to high school basketball games. id look at all the cool high school kids and think to myself about how they looked to mature and old and just …cooooool. i wanted to be them. i couldn’t wait to be in their shoes; wearing make up, going on dates, driving cars. hell, college students seemed as old as my parents. i never thought id actually get there. and now, sitting in my final days of college, im wishing to be that girl again. the one whose only concern was spelling homework and not playing outside past curfew. back before student loans, messy break ups, rent, car payments, roommates, alcohol induced nights, graduation, boyfriends who snore, crappy jobs, and sex. i would tell myself not to be in a hurry to get to this point, because it definitely looked a lot cooler through six year old eyes.
im on a john wayne kick.
ive been losing motivation lately. which is depressing, because just two short weeks ago i had an overwhelming sense of productiveness and accomplishment. it might have something to do with how i could almost feel spring around the corner and then it snowed, crushing my dreams of puddles and sweatshirts. sigh. so im sitting at work, drinking hot tea, listening to port o’brian thinking about how to get my zsa zsa zsu back. one obvious thing is that i need to stop thinking so much. thinking leads to questions which lead to not having answers which lead to this huge open hole in my stomach that oddly enough represents me future on some kind of subconscious and metaphorical level. seriously though, when will winter be over?
on an interesting note, im applying for a job.
in the netherlands.
i think i have no shot in hell of getting it, but hey, you never know.
i have so much to do today. i better get started.
