i have decided that the moment you open your eyes in the morning, you have a choice. you can decide right then and there to make it a good day or a bad day. everything in the next twenty four hours is dependent upon that second. i woke up this morning, realizing that i had slept better than i have slept in i dont even know how long. i rubbed my eyes and tried to remember clips from my dream. swimming in a pool house, running from a murderer, was a member of a dancing group, had American Apparel store in my house with extra leggings. i rolled over and looked out the window to see the biggest snowflakes slowly falling. its the first time it had snowed since i’ve been back to alaska. sure, there has been tons of snow on the ground, but thats from last month, all dirty and icy. yuck. it snowed all day. at least two feet. i wanted to jump and play in it, so i made the excuse of shoveling the back deck and front porch as one of my daily chores. it was nice to be outside. it was so warm. after my arms were sore and feet wet, i came back inside. and drank coffee by the fire. it was kind of a perfect day.
i deep cleaned my room and bathroom. and even picked up around the house. i didn’t complain or try to get out of errands my mom asked me to do. i spent the afternoon rummaging through old photographs and old art projects, which added to the reoccurring theme lately of me getting old. oh, and my night was pretty perfect, too.
“note to self: don’t do anything stupid,” she told me.
“i need to write that on a post-it and have it permanently attached to my hand. or just tattooed.”
isn’t that the way?
when you’re with the Boys You Could Care Less About, you’re On. you’re charming, you’re witty, you’re funny, you’re graceful, you’re sexy, you’re everything you never knew you could be.
when you’re around the Boys You Want to Whisk Away to a Secluded Island, you’re Not. you’re everything you never wanted anyone to find out you were.
today was a good day. not great, but good. i’ve felt so odd from the moment i woke up and i still can’t really shake it, even now at 830pm. i feel loopy. lightheaded and not all there. this afternoon i attributed this kind of awful feeling to lack of iron and other nutrients i’m not getting from my no-meat diet. i realized i needed vitamins. which i took when i got home from school. that, and i really must start sleeping better. i crawled into bed last night and i should have been able to float off to sleep, but i just couldn’t. eleven turned into midnight. and on and on and on. next thing i knew it was 230 am and i had to wake up in 3 hours. and i was exhausted and tired. but i couldnt stop thinking. seriously. thats how its been the past 2 months. i think about everything. i just cant turn it off. the past, present, future. and it all makes me sad, anxious, excited. and going through that cycle of emotions is killing me. and killing my beauty sleep. i feel like i look awful. but maybe its because i kind of feel awful, physically. im tired. im pale. i’ve lost weight, which i am definately not complaining about. but im not even trying. and its odd because im happy. i really am. i just can’t…clear my brain. maybe i should invest in a sleeping pill perscription, even though i really really don’t want to.
hopefully i feel better tomorrow. i have a dear friend that i write emails to almost everyday. i was reading a message from him this morning while sipping my coffee and waiting for 7th graders to pile into the classroom. he gave me the usual updates of his life and then randomly asked if i was okay. i hadn’t said anything out of the ordinary in my last letter, but he noticed that my tone was off. and i sounded different. not sad, just lost. its kind of amazing how people can pick up on things without you saying a word. i don’t know how to put anything into words at this moment. and for fear of saying something i don’t mean or feel, i’m just going to leave it at that. i’m happy. and i’m being oh-so-positive. i’m just tired.
like watching a car crash
eighteen seconds before sunrise.
it’s not the way i imagined it.
you hear that your mother got married at 23 and you somehow maybe thought by the age of 24 you will be picking out china patterns and planning your honeymoon. you imagine that you might be an aunt, and your nieces and nephews will crowd at your feet. you dream that you will make X amount of money and live in Y city and drive Z car. there are so many visions your mind conjures as a child, and although 24 seems like so far away, your picture of life is so clear.
then you wake up one day, and you don’t know how you got there.
you don’t have what your parents had or what some of your friends now have; somehow you took another fork on the road. you are in this alley around the corner from the onramp to the highway connecting to the freeway that goes straight to where they’re going. you tell people all the things you are still going to do with your life, everything that waits ahead of you at the end of your windy, bumpy road. they look at you in awe, blinded by your glow. i am so young, you say (with a smile), but you don’t tell them you feel so old (with a sigh).
and you wonder why you try to predict, why you even bother planning, because it never turns out the way you expect.
but it’s easier, somehow, to watch the compass’s true north, to keep referring to the map, to clutch onto your dreams, because they are the only tangible things you’ve got.
he told me what i was doing was smart. what i was doing, as in what i was doing with my life lately and what i thought i might do with my life in the near future, the near future being the period between today and next year. i shared with him my current plan, the one i revise every five minutes, convincing even myself that it didn’t just make sense–it was practically brilliant. but i’m not sure what i really think. sometimes i think i’m doing everything right, but i wonder if that’s where i falter: i think, rather than feel. surely to think (use your brain) in itself is not bad–i have not educated myself for nothing–but feeling (know your heart) is key. it’s a balance. thinkfeelbrainheartsuccesshappiness.
life.
you know, i was starting to get pretty embarrassed with me, these words, this site because i felt like all i ever did was repeat myself. so maybe i do. but it’s nothing to be ashamed of, i am realizing. what i repeat is important. it’s everything i need to remember and have yet to figure out.
imagine how dull life would be if i knew everything, already. there’d be no reason for tomorrow.
a perfect sunday: sleeping in until you can’t sleep anymore. waking up to sunshine on your face. scrambled eggs with onions and peppers and endless coffee refills. white pages covered with fresh black ink. doing your chores in less time than you thought it’d take. a phone call with a friend who always understands. a pile of photographs and the memories they hold. a walk in the snow with a dog who is scared of mailboxes. music that makes you want to sing. clean bedsheets that smell snuggly fresh.
and, of course, a week ahead filled with possibility, and the chance to do it all again.
its amazing how the past 4 months have seemed like 4 years. so much has changed. steps ahead, backward and even sideways. im still amazed at how im currently where i never thought id be. litterally and figuratively.
i want a vespa.
the key is to walk out the door with conviction, like you have somewhere really important to go. keep your head up, because you are larger than life. look straight ahead, never back. stay focused. go fast. and never, ever pause to say goodbye, because they might try to convince you to stay.
the wind finally died down today. the past two nights i’ve had trouble sleeping because of the howling outside. sounded like my corner room was about to fly off with the wind and land on a wicked old witch in a land far away. hopefully its gone for a while. the cold is bareable, but paired with the wind, it’s awful. reminds me of fargo winters, but even those were worse, i think.
i was very productive today and it felt good to get things done. i went to the district office to get my fingerprints taken, then to the state troopers for my criminal history followed by an “interview” with a principal, which was with a dear family friend. it was more like a 15 minute conversation just catching up, ending with him signing off my substitute teaching application. then, i went to the bank and turned in my packet to the district office. all before noon!
from the sounds of it, ill be able to start subbing friday, which is great. im so excited. not to mention it’s been a long month of unemployment and i’d like to have more structure to my day. tomorrow im going to go get a gym membership. i havent properly worked out in about a week and i feel lazy. bleh.
im hoping to head into anchorage thursday to have lunch with jan, who just got back to alaska, and to do some shopping. i need proper clothes to teach. with my height, or lack there of, im afraid i would be mistaken for a high school student! speaking of which, i saw some girl at wasilla high school today with a jean skirt and flip flops on. did i mention it was about 12 degrees and 40 mph winds? gross.
anyway. things are going well. really well.
im on top of things, for the first time in a while. or atleast, im working on it.
im really trying to look forward. and i think im doing a pretty good job of it.
sure, i miss things. my car, my imac, people, college, places, familarity…
but one must not dwell. its life. its life. its life. so it goes, so it goes.
